Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
