its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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