im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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