just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
