Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
