Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
