hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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