I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
