There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
