Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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