mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
