I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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