you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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