just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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