I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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