apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
