We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
