i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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