remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
