hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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