butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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