i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
