so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
