Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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