There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
