Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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