do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
