i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
