the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
