Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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