We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
