You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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