We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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