Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize