I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
