when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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