I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Randomize
