I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
