a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
