The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
