it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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