I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
