I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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