My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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