I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
