she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize