my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
