So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
no, he came in my armpit
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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