I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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