don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Randomize