I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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