Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
