OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
