If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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