It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
