remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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