You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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