Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
