my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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