Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
