just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
