Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
